“Divorce is not the Unforgivable Sin”  Matthew 19:1-12; John 8:1-11

    Jesus said a lot about marriage for a single guy. I have thought a lot about marriage lately.  In our church we are having weddings almost every week for the next six weeks, one of whom is my own daughter.  Surveys show that 90% of young people hope to marry, and about 90% will marry- though the age for marrying has gotten older and older.   The father’s exclamation- “But you’re too young to marry” has been heard by many.  In 1960 the average age of 1^st time marriages was 20- today it is 27.  Why?   Divorce is so prevalent- and  it is scaring so many people- that many are just not getting married.  DIVORCE IS ONE OF THE MOST HEART-WRENCHING THINGS IN OUR SOCIETY.  Most say it is a living death.  When someone dies they disappear, but when a divorce happens you still have a lot of ongoing grief, guilt, and every time you contact that person it is reminder.  The divorce rate sky rocketed 150% between 1960- and 1980 to about 50% of all first marriages failing, and then it lowered to about 40% today. 

      One of the leading reasons for divorce is the inability or unwillingness of folks to control their sexual appetites is amazing in our society.  30% of men report that they will have 15 or more sexual “partners” .  The Christian ideal of fidelity in marriage and chastity in singleness is not completely dead- but it is pretty sick.  Over a fifth of us report we have only had one partner until we die.  The number of those cohabiting has increased ten fold from 523,000 in 1970 to 6.4 million today (5.4% of US households).  Many think if they don’t get married it is safer- but in reality, it is a nightmare.  The average cohabitation lasts 15 months- almost no one just cohabits for more than 10 years- and the probability of a cohabiting couple having a lasting marriage is only 15%.  This is a lot of statistics- a lot more than I usually give in a sermon- but I think it helps describe where we have been and where we are going as a society.   My point is that there are many who are giving up on marriage, but the alternatives are not too good- either. 

The U.S. divorce rate remains among the world’s highest- and that rate correlates with a high rate of depression in our society.  The three leading causes of divorce were adultery (17%), and substance abuse (16%), and a hodge-podge called "Incompatibility" - not being able to get along because of money, communication, in laws, etc.

    The evidence is pretty strong from social science that married people are healthier.  Middle aged men who are single, widowed or divorced, for example, are twice as likely to die as those who are married.  Married people report that they are happier by about 40% (Waite and Gallagher).  The separated 15% and divorced 18% were the least happy groups.  Financially married couples were far better off in terms of net worth (26 x cohabiting couples, 30x that of single moms). All this is averages and statistics [most from T. Michaels 2008 study on sexuality]- individual cases vary widely. 

    In our passage the Pharisees- who were always concerned about the law- asked, “Is it lawful to divorce?”  Jesus didn’t answer the question- but asked what did Moses say?  Jesus asked them if they knew the answer to their question- and the answer was that the OT allowed for divorce.   Jesus response was something that we all know, but it is a great support to an institution that is always under attack.  Jesus basically said that marriage and staying married is the ideal.  Most of us when we get married do not intend to get a divorce.  However, our society has raised the standard of marriage.  Walt Disney is partially to blame for this.  You know, when Cinderella, snow white, the Little Mermaid, of even the Princess and the Frog it says, “And they all lived happily ever after.”  Who does that?  Do you know someone who says, "The minute I got married all my problems disappeared?"  The ideal is not that we are always happy- but that we are always together- which grants us a greater chance at happiness.  The real question is not what is the ideal- happiness every moment of every day.  But the real question is what is the best of the alternatives before us. 
      Some of those who heard Jesus saying that we are bound to each other- thought he was adding a law to Moses law- and asked, “Is it better not to marry?”  Many people see divorce and so they decide they’ll never be married.  It is the new nunnery and monastery- the single apartment.  Some churches see this and say that Jesus never allowed for divorce- and I know some churches- no names mentioned- who have actually excommunicated people over what they saw as a frivolous divorce.  But where in the Bible does it say we should do that?  Where does it say that divorce in and of itself is a sin worthy of being kicked out of the church or going to hell?  It never says that. 
     This, I believe deeply, is a true legalistic misinterpretation of what Jesus said.  Excommunication from a church- is about the same as saying someone is outside of the church and going to hell for their action.  Today, there are some churches that elevate family to almost god-like status.   Family, is a tough god to serve- for family members know how to hurt you best and will let you down.  There is only one person who will absolutely never let us down- it is not your husband, or your wife, or your children- or even your parents- it is God alone.  He will never leave us nor forsake us.  The unforgivable sin is not divorce or obeying some church law—it is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit- it is not allowing the Spirit into your life.  Any kind of continual sin without repentance (and yes, that includes but is not limited to sexual immorality) is a sign that we are not listening to God- but going our own way. 
     There is a great passage about this in John 8.  In John 8 a woman has been caught in the act of adultery, and many are about to stone her.  Jesus then gave the remarkable statement- “He who is without sin, let them cast the first stone.”  He thus tells us to lighten up on people who have sinned.  Jesus knew we all mess up, and we all stand in need of God’s grace.  When Jesus approached the woman at the well, she was a person who had multiple husbands and was cohabiting with another.  Yet Jesus did not shun her, or condemn her.  Rather, he reached out to her with God’s love. Yet, by saying we should not be condemning, he at the same time does not say there is no such thing as sin.  This is very important.  Jesus himself told the woman to repent- to “go and leave your life of sin.” 

           The Good News of Christ is that there is forgiveness.  If we have failed, there is a great opportunity to start over again.  But if we have failed, we need to be very conscious of our vulnerability and weakness.  Any couple who is married needs to be aware of their weaknesses as a couple.  But anyone- married or unmarried- needs to know what things tempt them and what things are not so great temptations now.  The things that tempt us often change over the years.  As a child- we are not so tempted by sexual immorality.  Older adults are not so tempted. 

      There is an abstinence program called “the silver ring thing” and it has been in Chapin.  Some are quick to point out the failures of those who try to abstain but do not, but the alternative is not to try- and if you don’t try you are more likely to fail than if you do.  The silver ring thing also has a program for those who have failed to abstain but want to start over again.  Some say this is unbiblical.  But it is very biblical- Jesus did not say to the woman caught in adultery- you might as well give up.  He didn’t say you’re so bad that you don’t need to try anymore.  Rather he said, “Neither do I condemn you- go and sin no more.”   Jesus gave her a second chance with his forgiveness. Africa has been ravaged by AIDS. .  In sub-Saharan Africa 22.4 million have AIDS and 1.4 million die each year. But Uganda has been the only nation to remarkably and drastically turned the AIDS epidemic around.  How did it do it?  By a lot of help from the USA, but primarily by an abstinence based program- that promoted chastity in singleness, and fidelity in marriage. 15% of all adults had AIDS in 1991-  now it is about 5%.  The state was not afraid to embrace Christian values to help its citizens.  We can learn from them. The prodigal was in the pig’s mud with nothing when he saw  that his life of lasciviousness didn’t work for him.  He remembered that life was better at his father’s home.  The good news is that God always welcomes us back.  He longs for us to come back. 

     My whole hope is that we can hold these two things together- the sanctity of marriage- for those who are married- or re-married now.   And yet at the same time not condemn those who are going through divorce as if they have left God or the church. 
     Many have given up on marriage, but still 90% want to and will get married.  There are still a lot of folks who have made it.  We have people in our church married 40- 60 years.  I think of the Shealys, the Milams, the Sandifers, the Overstreets, the Cothrans.  Most of these would not say that when you get married you live happily ever after.  But they would say that they have kept their vows of being with each other for better for worse, for richer for poorer, sickness and in health, joy and in sorrow.  I think of the widows who stayed with their husbands through their illnesses and to the end- they should be proud of keeping their vows- I think of Ginny Leitner, Erma Kaminer, Glenna Rowland, Lois Cathcart, Sue Madden.  You have set a great example for us all.  For those who think marriage or faithfulness is impossible- just look around- and then don't give up.
     Kay and I will be married 30 years a week from tomorrow- another reason I am thinking about marriage.  Every now and then someone will ask her if she ever thought of divorcing Ben.  She quotes Ruth Bell Graham- the late wife of Billy Graham- who said, "Divorce never- murder- often."  The ironic thing is that married people are five times less likely to physically hurt their children or their spouse than those who are cohabiting or single.  So I won't have to sleep with one eye open.  Marriage is a gift from God, and it should be honored by all.  Divorce is not the ideal, but it is also not the unforgivable sin.